Today is three days away from 2011. 2010 has been so eye opening for me. First I had literally no game plan, and that is not normal for me. I usually have a top ten list of things to accomplish in the new year and sub goals to add to that. This year I had nothing of the sort. This actually freed my time up and gave me more time to build relationships. On the other hand, I have been quite lazy and have had practically no structure to my life. The consequences? Lots of undone projects, my priorities have been all over the place, and my relationship with Christ has suffered. I probably have spent the least amount of time studying my bible and praying than I have in years, or since I came to believe. I have spoke often about the Gospel to others, but that is about it. It has not put the best start to my marriage either, because without the gospel shaping my heart consistently I have become selfish and self destructive once again. The thing is, I have been fighting a battle ever since I left the protection of my parents arms and started out on my own shaping and molding what my life is to be. It started with my first job at seventeen almost three years ago. Slowly but surely the "roses are falling off my glasses " so to speak. My fairy tales are self-destructing right in front of me. What life was supposed to be is turning out not at all what life really is. I've fought those who've told me I lived in an imaginary world because to me these things seemed true. Then was the first broken heart, the first night I drove home alone with the weight of a bad decision on my shoulders with no one to talk to, because I would be rejected by the story tellers and would disappoint the ones who looked up to me. Faith can be so blind when you sugar coat the truth, so blind to where you loose the ones you have the power to help in order to keep the story alive. I feel sorry for the story tellers. Then came the long nights of no sleep because I had to figure out what truth really was, then came the ones I looked up to most letting me down and abandoning me. I thought they would never abandon me, I thought making the right decision would be easy since I love Jesus, I thought the truth and lies would be completely distinguishable.Life is complex and I haven't even begun "life for dummies". The truth is the ones I judged most had a better idea of what life is about than I did. I lived in a christian bubble away from pain, away from profanity, away from all the people who would "stain" my self-righteous clothes. But they are the people who started showing up in my life and being there for me. They have helped reveal to me what truth really is, and they didn't even realize it. But even so they disappoint me sometimes, and I disappoint them. I realize now that I can talk all day, but if I'm all talk and no action I'm useless. I realize that I need other people in my life with various kinds of beliefs of their own to strengthen mine. We need each other to figure all of this out, and I am no longer closed minded, I'll listen to your heart and you can listen to mine.
I believe I am broken, a sinner. I believe Christ came and died so that I, a sinner unable to be truly good with pure intentions came and was those things and accepted my punishment by being nailed to a wooden cross. I believe in my heart I have committed murder, adultery, theft, and idolatry. I deserve to be separated from God. But he loves me in an unconditional way and paid my debts with eternity. But I have done nothing. I still sin every day. Christ is the one who freed me, and no matter what I do, I can't earn it or loose it. The only way to escape Christ now is simply by deciding to reject Him. Even so the world is still a dark place. People will still cheat you, your significant other will still cheat on you, your family members will send you to your grave early in order to take what is "rightfully theirs". Parents will separate while their kids are only hanging on by a thread. People will harm themselves out of self loathing. Girls will be kidnapped and forced to be prostitutes. This is pain people, this is not a fairy tale.So what of all of this I have babbled on about? Well here is my point, I will not live my life with my head in the clouds wearing a mask and pretending I'm perfect and dancing in daisies. Life sucks bad. I will wear a smile only when there is something to smile about. If someone is hurt I will run to their rescue with not only words but genuine action as well. And I will love and accept those who do not believe like I do. I will still hang-out with them, talk with them, and be associated with them, I will celebrate and mourn with them. This is what Christ did, and this is what I will aim to do. Christ did not come to the healthy but the sick. To sum it up, I just want to do something about all the pain in the world. I believe that is what Christ has asked me to do. I believe he is the only one who can help me, the only one who is truly dependable.
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